Just Try Again
Written by Faith Dulany
There’s nothing I can do?
If you have experienced a miscarriage, this post is for you. You may have heard the classic words “this happens in 1:4 pregnancies”, or “it wasn’t you”, or “there’s nothing you can do, you will be ok, just try again”. Even with the most passionate doctors, common language around losing a precious baby in the first 20 weeks can be so hurtful. Trust your gut and know that you are hurting and experiencing pain in the words being used because, yes, you did lose a baby. A real baby, who makes you a Mom or a Dad, and deserves life as much as every other baby we see in the womb or newly born passing us by as we walk down the street.
I want to affirm that, yes, there are often things you can do, in your own time and comfort, to support yourself and your family.
First I want to pause to acknowledge: if this is your first, I am so sorry - this is not the way life was intended. If this is your second, third, or tenth child, it is drawing out the heartache you hoped would never come again.You know even better than I.
Take the time to grieve, and ask those closest to you to similarly acknowledge your baby to the extent you and your family desire. I will write more in future posts about processing loss, one of the main heartbeats of CarryMe Health. This article, however, is meant to break down the myth that “there’s nothing you can do”.
Does the language used by your physicians or providers have you scratching your head, longing for more? If so, here are some suggestions to empower you in where to go next. Do not feel the need to do all, but only what you and your family desire:
Myth: “There’s nothing you can do”
While miscarriage outcomes are most often out of our control, there are actions we can take (based on personal preference and situation) as mothers and fathers to prepare for future children.
Ask your doctor:
Can I get any personal genetic testing done now, before 2 or more losses (the US minimum for Recurrent Pregnancy Loss (RPL)”)?
Can I speak with a genetic counselor?
Can I do testing on the fetus to know potential causes of death?
If this were loss #2 or more, what would you then recommend I do testing-wise? Is there any harm in doing any of that now, if I wanted to?
Are there any resources you can point me to for healing physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually? Some of these may be: nutrition counseling, loss support groups, counseling, or National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
Get a second opinion: if you are not feeling supported through this pregnancy or after loss, you are not obligated to stay with your doctor. Do what is best for your family, not for your doctor! You deserve to work with someone you trust will speak to you with hope and caring. Consult with a new OBGYN, check out care options in your area, or find a telehealth service online like Maven Clinic. There are many ways to access new maternal care, no matter your insurance. Your care team should be your #1 resource for fetal and maternal care, and be there to explain, educate, support, listen and care for you at all stages of the journey.
Test the fetus: This is a tough one for many, and not a one-size-fits-all (well, none of these are!). If you desire, ask if it’s possible for your physician to test the fetus after being informed of a loss. Depending on how recently you lost your baby, this may be an option. The doctors are right in that miscarriage is far too common :/. Glass-half-full, that means you are likely to have nothing wrong with your child. However, in some cases it may be helpful to know sooner than later the cause of a loss. Chat with your doctor about your options if you believe you’d like to know more in this area.
Get a consult with a Reproductive Endocrinologist (REI): It’s never too early to know more about your reproductive health. If you’ve experienced a loss, or potentially waited for this baby and fear another wait, REIs are able to perform an initial patient workup to share suggestions and options for your family. You do not need to be ready to move forward with an REI to do initial testing and information gathering with their help. This is just a consult, and it can empower you to both make decisions on a new timeline, or confirm you are in the perfect place to try again!
Wholistic care: See an acupuncturist or nutrition coach. Chat with a mental health counselor. Join a support group (local or online). Accept a friend’s offer for a Mealtrain or home-cooked meal! Share with your close family and friends, asking for specific encouragement. There are many actions we can take to allow ourselves the time and space to heal where we may be hurting.
Healthy lifestyle: Healthy living always helps, even if it is not the answer to a perfect next pregnancy. If you find this personally motivating or restorative, definitely take action. You can check out healthy foods and exercise for working up to another pregnancy, or just follow your gut (pun intended!). Most likely you are your best source of knowledge on what your body needs, so foster the lifestyle that you need for this season you are in.
Commemorate your baby: Don’t let the status quo of moving on as if nothing happened rob you and your family of the right you have to acknowledge your baby gone too soon. Write in a journal. Get a necklace with a birth stone or flower on it for their due date or loss month. Buy a stack of books with their name or due date on it, to cherish in your home. We have loads of ideas to commemorate your baby, so don’t hesitate to reach out!
