Dads, this one’s for you
Written By Peter Dulany
After years of infertility, the last thing I expected walking out of our first 12-week nuchal translucency (NT) ultrasound was to a flood of grievous tears, plunging into a new and different nightmare from infertility to high-risk pregnancy. Our family’s journey into that world took us by surprise. When I look back at my experience as a dad during this unexpected and unpleasant turn, I believe I managed some things well; many other things I would do differently if I had to navigate them again.
Shock
Every person deals with shock differently. Some compartmentalize, put the challenge in a box and tuck it far away. Others lose the ability to function in some capacities, numb to their surroundings. While others rise to the occasion of the unknown and help chart a course through it. Our family knew how excited we were for our first ultrasound. That morning I received several texts asking for me to call them as soon as the appointment ended to update them with the exciting news. Everything changed during that ultrasound when the NT scan indicated a measurement several times greater than expected in a healthy baby. In my numbness and shock, I felt like I needed to call them to explain what was happening - to fill the silence in the hours after the appointment. I gave myself the drive home to cry, and then called my mom to share our scary news. When she answered the phone, I struggled physically to talk, making enough noise for her to understand that it was not a bad connection, but the lump in my throat physically kept me from being able to explain the medical jargon that comes with a complicated prognosis for an unborn baby.
My Mom gave me the first gift of many I would receive during our journey of Audrey’s life and pregnancy: she encouraged me not to rush into the role of informer. She told me she would let our immediate family (who knew we were pregnant) know, allowing me to focus on what really mattered: my direct family. When I look back, I see how my vision was clouded by shock as I focused on carrying out mundane formalities of letting people know how the appointment went. Shock is normal when facing fear of a high-risk pregnancy; I would encourage you to ignore time, focus on your pregnant spouse and baby, and allow your unknowing support system to rise to the occasion.
Confusion
I am a fixer. Like many men, I have been trained to identify a problem, analyze it, and then take action to rectify it. When our baby was diagnosed with an abnormality during her 12-week NT scan, I became obsessed with Google and what information the perinatologist (high risk OB) could provide at each appointment. I would then try to conclude what Audrey’s outcome would be. I obsessed over this ocean of information, and after each of the dozens of appointments, the possibilities of outcomes were as numerous (and scary) as they were after the first NT scan. When I look back on that challenging chapter, I see how futile my attempt was to fix the situation by “understanding”. I am not recommending dismissal of understanding the fight that your spouse and child are in, but I do know that your knowledge of medicine’s Latin labels will not solve everything. You and your spouse will be confused as emotions run high during relatively short appointments. Each of those appointments open a new path of both positive and frightening possibilities, many of which you have never considered before. The best that you can do for your family is to support your spouse, your unborn child, your family and yourself throughout this confusing season. Be with them in the moments, and do not distract yourself with the endless “what if” scenario hamster wheel.
Support for Her
Regardless of the risk level, pregnancy takes an enormous toll on the human body. Just like you, your spouse will be challenged by their different thoughts and emotions, doctors, family, friends, random blogs and support groups - and she will be navigating that while the pregnancy that takes up the majority of your mind lays a few inches behind her belly button. Go side by side with your spouse into the unknown and understand the emotions and thoughts in her heart and between her ears. Listen, do not attempt to fix, or state how the doctors will fix; the unknowns are too great. When the path is dark, I find more comfort in a friendly voice of encouragement by my side and a strong hand to hold onto than the weak light of uncertain knowledge. As the protector of your partner, the great favor you can provide them is your protective shield in which she can discuss her true feelings, greatest fears and difficult decisions.
Support for You
I was painfully let down by individuals I was very close with when we were thrown into the maelstrom of a high-risk pregnancy. While not malicious on their part, the smallest things had the ability to snap my already taut mental state. I am a private person, and the impulse to share our struggles did not come often. On multiple occasions, my invitation to friends and family into the pain was masterfully responded to by the unlikeliest of people. On others, it flared my anger and cut even further into the deepest of wounds as I felt my feelings were dismissed, unwelcome, or responded to in a token fashion to move on from. I encourage you to not put stock in those that will let you down - it will be some of the people you count on most - but those that step into the journey with you will be who you rely on during these uniquely challenging times. Lean on those that are daring enough to listen and be there for you. Your overwhelming burden will be dispersed slightly, and those friends will be happy to do whatever they can to support you. I found that the common thread in many of my buttresses were people who had suffered loss before, introverts who would let me talk through my scrambled thoughts with a smile and nod, and fathers of children both living and dead. That was not a prerequisite for my confidants, but a theme I notice looking back. I encourage you to find and develop your support system for your journey – that may take some guidance from you on how they can be of help. It may not be the team you envision, but the uncharted waters of a pregnancy at risk to be lost is one that many will not wade into. Try not to hold this against folks, but focus on your gratitude for those that rise to the occasion.
Support for Your Family
Everybody wants to be a part of happy baby news; the fear and unknown that comes with a pregnancy complicated by birth defects is intimidating. It is a quagmire for those that would normally rush to celebrate a socially normal baby. There is a joy in sharing the inherent wonderful news of being a parent. Every person is different and copes with challenges in their own way - but I found that stepping into the role of inviting and encouraging others to celebrate our little girl was the only way to block out the deafening silence of unknowns. I struggled to share what our family was going through early on, but with time I found sharing our story as an opportunity to celebrate our baby while at the same time protecting my wife from awkward interactions with people that do not know how to navigate our difficult situation. This is not an encouragement to overshare what is sensitive to your family, but rather a call to guide others that need some direction in how to react and support your family. As a compassionate and empathetic protector for my family, guiding others was a way I felt I could have a tangible positive impact on the wellbeing of my spouse and child during such a difficult season.
Taking the Next Step
Every high-risk pregnancy has its own story. Each of us will only be able to speak to our own experiences. I encourage you to never forget the fierceness of a baby and mom who confront a pregnancy complicated by birth defects or high-risk outcomes.
I encourage you to celebrate the time you have with your child here on earth, whether they grow to have a gray head of hair or pass on to the ever after in their mom’s tummy. Do not shy away from sharing their name and story. And step into the pride you have in being their dad.
